so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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