Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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