Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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