Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
