My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
