You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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