There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Houston, we have a squirter
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
