I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
