I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
