There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize