CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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