that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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