I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
