tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
