ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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