FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
