I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize