i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize