my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
