I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
