he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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