apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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