meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
