Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Of course I have a pirate flag
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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