left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
3pm strippers are depressing
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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