goodnight i made you a song goodbye
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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