I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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