just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
