We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
