Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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