I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
