My sheets look like a crime scene.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
