OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He called his prostate his "boner button".
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
