So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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