I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
