I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
