You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Randomize
