Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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