So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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