I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
