sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
