Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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