she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
