my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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