Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
