there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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