I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
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