I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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