My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize