I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
