You're my little dorito
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
