i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
