I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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