I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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