Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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