A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
