saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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