You're my little dorito
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
