Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize