and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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